My PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder By Lena
The events of that day will probably remain a secret that only I and that day knows. Memories keep flashing to me as I try to go on doing my thing.
As I walk down the road, a muzzle flashes through my eyes. Beads of sweat start forming on my forehead. O my God! they are going to shoot me! But then the scenery came back to that of cars on a busy highway. My eyes wide in fear and my face looking like I just died a thousand times. With palpitating heartbeat, I tell myself, it wasn’t real.
I entered a bus breathing heavily from what happened few minutes ago. I was still trying to cool off, when everywhere suddenly turned to a forest. I see men in masks with cold sharp eyes pointed at me. I feel suffocated, as though heavy hands were on my neck in that instant, a lone tear escaped my eyes with my mind screaming danger. I feel adrenaline rush. Just when I was about to make a move, I find myself still in the bus again. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s over and I’m alright I keep telling myself my palms against my face.
I try to get by the day not thinking about it. By how could I not? It is a part of my life now. Another tear slipped down my cheek.
I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright.
The mantra keeps on going in my head until I believed it. When I think it’s really alright, the topic comes up again. And like a cut on my lips, it feels sore and sensitive all over again. Then I realized “I’m alright” is what I wish I am, not what I am.
I don’t know what to do anymore, how to act, what to think, where should I run to? Should I run at all? Drained, empty. Shell of a human should be the best way to describe me. A dark hole keeps drawing me in, the light fades slowly and I’m falling. Can I be my own saviour?